How You Remind Me
by Vasquez1987
Summary: What Remus feels and thinks after GoF and OotP
1. Welcome Home, Paddy

Rain is pouring down from the dark sky. Little drops are dripping from a ceiling that is not at all waterproof. I curl up in front of the fire and tried to calm down. The kick of adrenaline was given to me by Dumbledore. He floo-called not so long ago saying that Sirius was gathering the "old-crowd" and he was supposed to "lay low" at my house for a while. Why mine? Quite simply, it's a ruin. I found it after Harry's third year, deserted, with a big cellar and in the middle of no-where. A perfect place for a werewolf. I called it "Crying Manor".

I cry as a wolf, on the nights of the full moon. I cry as a human, longing for my mate. The one that's supposed to be here within hours, minutes, seconds… We met ages ago, on platform 9 3. He was with James and I was some kind of alien for everybody: shy bloke with brown eyes and short amber hair. They noticed me and invited me, more likely pulled in, to their compartment. He was so young and innocent with sparkles in his blue eyes and long black hair gathered together in a low ponytail. And his smile.

_Never made it as a wise man  
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'_

He fascinated me, back then. He still does. I remember him, our meeting a year ago. That night when I understood, that he was innocent, that he tried to protect his godson, James' son, Harry. I could open my eyes once again. Throughout these twelve years I was trying to forget about him, I was pretending that he never existed and than I could quit living on lies, my happy memories were able to come back without giving me the sense of guilt. I liked James, I like Harry. And I love Sirius; I'm in love with him. It's not how it's supposed to be. Werewolves can't have feelings.

_Tired of livin' like a blind man  
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feelin'_

That day, I came to the Shack because I saw him on the Map. After I saw that Peter was there too. I wanted an explanation of what had happened all those years ago. And I got it. My lover turned from betrayer to framed person on the run. And Peter, my long detested enemy turned to be our enemy. He might have been "killed" by Sirius but I always claimed that he wasn't an innocent victim of Black's fury. I even blamed him once for sending Siri to his death. I forgot what that day was. Or rather that night. As we went out from the tunnel I realized that it was night of the full moon. When I started to transform, Peter took his opportunity and changed into the rat. Not Wormtail but filthy, little Rat. And Sirius, seeing that the kids are were in danger, turned into Padfoot and tackled me. I fought with him, I bit my lover. Than I went away and he tried to follow the Rat, he met Dementors again. And I was helpless then, rambling through the forest as a wild creature that would give everything for fresh flesh.

_And this is how you remind me  
This is how you remind me of what I really am_

Hours pass by as I'm lying on the old couch in front of the fire, thinking of the past. Trying to calm down the wolf inside me, which is over-excited because it's going to meet his mate after one year. After thirteen years of loneliness we will be able to share the bed at least, trying to give each other hope and warm each other's heart, soul and body. 

I'm disturbed by unknown noises on the patio. Thanks to my sensitive ears I can hear the sound of moving pebbles and breathing. And a short half-howl, half-bark. He's here. I don't move for the first few seconds, somehow overwhelmed by the importance of the next few minutes, but my thoughts trigger my muscles to go and open the door. And he's there. Big mass of wet fur looks more like a poor homeless creature than a Grim which it resembles to. I open the doors wider, so he can come inside. When he's in, I close them immediately. I expected him to wiggle to dry himself. He didn't. Instead he changed into the man I was longing for. He is soaked and looks worse than in his dog form, because of all the bruises and cuts, and his body… it's so terribly thin, and I can't offer him much. I've missed him so much. I make a fast movement with my hand in an attempt to hug him, but he backs away, shielding his body with his hands.  
"Sirius?" 

He lowers his hands, as if he is uncertain of my actions and my attitude towards him. He looks like he is about to cry. He's trembling. When I look into his eyes I can see the haunted look, the one that Azkaban gave him. He stands straight, but I can feel that he's still slightly afraid and suspicious. I slowly extend my hand so he can take it and I would lead him around my house. Like I did when he came to visit me, during the summer between 5th and 6th year, in my grandmothers' house in France. But he's just standing there.  
"Sirius? Paddy?"

I smile at him and he smiles back. More like, attempts to smile. He doesn't greet me. He starts to look around, sometimes stopping his gaze at buckets half-full of rainwater. Then he looks at me and even though I smile I can feel that he's ashamed. I remembered our mating day and his promise that he will love me and he won't leave me alone for long. He thinks the same, I know it. And he talks:  
"I'm sorry, Moony"

"Moony", not "My love".

"For what?' I inquire.  
"For all these years without me, for all the time I wasn't with you..."

I can't bear it anymore, I turn around facing broken mirror. I'm able to see Sirius in the shattered glass, pain written on his face.

_It's not like you to say sorry  
I was waiting on a different story  
This time I'm mistaken  
For handing you a heart worth breakin'_

"I'm sorry, my love"

And than he comes to me, puts his hands around my waist and his head on my shoulder. Is he crying or is it just rain? I certainly do. He still loves me, he still wants to be with me. A roll of thunder wakes us up from this strange trance and I take my opportunity to pull him to the bathroom. I'm determined to cut his hair, it's waist-long now. I take the brush to undo all the tangles in the upper part, with comb and scissors I cut his hair to the length I'm used to. I leave to bring him some fresh clothes while he takes a shower. When I come back, he's already finished. He sits on the chair with the towel around his waist, water dripping from his still wet but now clean hair. He's so skinny. I hand him over the clothes and I go out giving him time to dress. When I appear again, I dry his hair with a spell and tie it back with a ribbon I found. He turns towards me and he looks so much better, so much happier. We go to the kitchen. I start to prepare dinner. Suddenly I hear a short gasp. I turn immediately around and see Sirius holding my AA booklet. Why the hell is it lying there? (I wanted to throw it away but got a floo-call from Dumbledore.) He looks at me.

"It was long time ago, Paddy. Just after the attack on James. Since then, I only buy Butterbeer. It's not alcoholic anyway."

He accepts my explanation, he understands. He knows me too well. I bet he knows exactly what I was thinking, that I was accusing him of James and Lily's deaths.

_And I've been wrong, I've been down  
Into the bottom of every bottle_

After the meal we go to the bedroom. Together. We share the bed. We lie naked in each other's arms seeking comfort. Slowly, I fall asleep. I dream about the time when we were in France at my grandma's house. There was a fair and I talked Sirius into going there with me claiming that we would have fun. And he was asking every few minutes about it.

_These five words in my head  
Scream: "Are we having fun yet?"  
Yet, yet, yet, no, no  
Yet, yet, yet, no, no_

He was visibly bored. I was drooling over him for few years but I never told him how I felt. I took my chance. After gathering all my Gryffindor courage I took him into the dead-end street without lights. Only stars were shining our way. He - my star, leading me the right way. I stopped him and held him by his shoulders in front of me. "Do you really want to have fun?" I asked. When he said yes I just pulled him into a passionate kiss. And he kissed me back. When we broke apart he just looked into my eyes and gave me his loving smile. 

We're together again and hopefully we will be till the end.


	2. Painful memories

It's not fun, you know. One might think that death is wonderful, helps you to go away from trouble or get rid of those you hate. But when you confront the loss of your best friend or family member, it hits you like a lightning bolt, it makes you feel guilty. You don't know why, but somehow it appears to be all your fault or you just have this weird feeling that you forgot to tell them something important.

_It's not like you didn't know that  
I said I love you and I swear I still do_

I do care about my parents, but I haven't heard from them for a few years, I don't know how to contact them. I did care about my favourite pair: James and Lily, and their kid, Harry. I remember that awful day, tears strolled from my eyes as I was reading the Daily Prophet. I knew people were celebrating the defeat of Voldemort, but I couldn't help my sadness. And Sirius, went off, left me and got himself hauled to Azkaban. Two years ago we met and I found he wasn't guilty. Last summer he came to visit me and we stayed together for a while before moving to Grimmauld Place. These few days of joy and sometimes lust. The wolf in me wanted to get out, to take over his long lost mate, but I didn't let it happen. I wasn't sure of the results, which, even though I was a human, might have been lethal. Like biting him to death. 

_And it must have been so bad  
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you_

It was a hard year. I was out most of the time doing some ruddy business for the order, while he stayed at the headquarters helping to sort the house out. He was always worried about Harry and what that foolish inquisitor was doing to the school. When he received the information about Harry being in danger he wanted to go. I tried to calm him down, make him stay, but he argued about the responsibility of being a godfather, that it was his job, as a guardian, to go and save his precious godson. I could have stunned him, or just taken his wand away and locked him in the cellar. But I didn't. We went together. And he fought with Lestrange, fell through the curtain. I was shocked myself but Harry's scream made me come to my senses and grip him tightly - I couldn't allow him to go there. Now, this veil visits my dreams every few nights and I can hear his voice, sweet and innocent as on the day we met, talking to me. I can't understand what he's saying but it sounds like "I love you, Remy". Just a few words within a dream and I wake up with tears in my eyes. I'm alone now. I lost my mate - everything that might have had any meaning to me. Even the wolf in me seems to understand, he keeps quiet during the day. But the full-moon nights are painful as they never were, even with the Wolfsbane potion.

_And this is how you remind me of what I really am  
This is how you remind me of what I really am_

There are so many things that we might have done together. He left me alone, without his smile and laughter. But he remembers about me, his soul keeps visiting me during the night.

God, let it stay like this forever, let him say these few words as long as he wants to.

Just let it be. 


	3. Author's notes

These note are supposed to be at the beginning, aren't they? I'm not a native speaker so don't kill me for minor or not so minor mistakes  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and all the characters from the book - J.K. Rowling does. I don't own the song "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback does.  
  
Where it came from: I just got the sudden idea of writing some kind of songfic - "How You Remind Me" is the angsty song and I had lyrics on my hard drive. Chapter one was written on 26 of June 2003 before I read HP5. After realising that I forgot one verse I decided to write another chapter after I read the book. 


End file.
